Sick By the Edge of Mental Breakdown (Perhaps, MTBD: I)

You read it right. I'm at the edge of mental breakdown.
And maybe, it's the first 'real' outburst of it.
Maybe you'll see the second of it.
And the third of it.
And the fourth.
Until things literally get settled.

People who know me, I guess, already noticed that I post words about me breaking and getting exhausted of life and such nonsense on my social media last night. And when they stumble here, they find me still talking about it. I'm not tryna make myself an attention-bitch to make all people notice how the freaking heck I am doing now. I just need to let things out and give myself a blow. Not a punch in the face, but a wake-up call to myself. I fucking need to get out.

Sorry for the profanities. Didn't I say Imma let things out?

I need to let out all the things that I've been bottling up inside.
I can't believe I'm still sober, it's 0:47 am, and I'm writing this. Completely alive, and I'm surprised that I'm not having a multiple personal disorder despite the mental exhaustion and psychological wars.

Ya heard me.

Let me quote my previous post:
I'm a good liar when I switch the mode on. And oh, I think I'll end up winning Grammy when it comes to acting like my world is full of rainbows and unicorns. (Seriously, people only know me as a chattery kid with overloading sugar-rush and I can't even believe I can keep all my psychological problems to myself for these 18 frigging years of my life). It's actually storms in my brain and thunders in my chest, like hella.

It's true.
Despite the unbelievably bubbly and light-headed image people have known me of, I'm retarded inside. Heart's tainted, soul's broken, mind's crooked. I've been through many things. Well, except a threat of murder and unwanted pregnancy. Wtf why would I get through those, I'm a good citizen. But I've been through social-rejections and financial issues. Being stressed and stretched aren't new for me. I've been living my 18 years of life feeling unwanted, unloved, lonely, and being a burden. There's so many things in my brain to the extent that my head's dizzy and spinning and hurting and hammering. It was worse than worse just to get myself into college and I can't believe kids nowadays can turn down college offers and waste their parents' money. Not only the fee, but my strict parents' permission was hard to get, and I let my dreams slide to get my ass smarter and more helpful to the society. To the nation. To the world. Because I have a mission for the world that is more important than my own childish dream of devouring the art of life.

I can't really reveal the bunch of things that's been literally driving me crazy but..
I'm literally tired of life. As ungrateful as it sounds.

Maybe I'm just tired of typing, debating, thinking, and crying?

I'm tired, as ungrateful as it sounds. I want to give up on life, or have been thinking of it.

I'm aware that others might have bigger problems, but mine is in the stake of my whole life. And I realized that I'm not strong enough.
The noisy Caep you know has a broken Dinda inside.
I'm done. I've faced things. I'm done bottling things inside just so I can behave like what people expect me to be. I already broke my limit. Only my soul's left to break.

I'M SICK OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH.
I'M SICK OF GETTING DIFFERENT EXPECTATIONS FROM THE DREAMS I BUILT.
I'M SICK OF NOT ALLOWED TO DREAM THAT BEFORE I COULD FLY, I ALREADY FELL DEEP.
I'M SICK OF NOT GIVEN THE OPTIONS TO BE WHAT I WANT TO BE.
I'M SICK OF CRYING BECAUSE LETTING OTHERS KNOW MAKES ME LOOK PATHETIC.
I'M SICK OF HURTING MYSELF BECAUSE MY HEART ALWAYS FEELS SO HEAVY.
I'M SICK THAT PEOPLE CAN'T ACCEPT WHO I AM.
I'M SICK THAT NO ONE'S SENTIMENTALLY FOND OF ME AND EVER MINDS TO UNDERSTAND.
I'M SICK THAT WHATEVER I DO, I NEVER FIT IN.

I wonder if I didn't get mentally bullied and my first friends back then were like these people I have now, maybe life could've been brighter for a longer time.

But then.
Maybe I'm here to help people realize that they are luckier in some way.
That God does the wonders, letting me live now for real reasons.
Maybe, I'm one of a few who can endure longer, although not better.

I need to stop bitching about my life.

Deep inside, I can't be more than thankful knowing that I have people who aren't even related to me by blood but still care about me in sensitive ways.

Renaissance to the Dark Age.
Well, maybe the silver lining is, no matter how I was mentally bullied and psychologically hurt back then, I can have people who got my back in the end. And maybe, perhaps maybe, life will be brighter for a longer time.

To anyone who reads this, thank you. I'm grateful of having you. As cheesy as it sounds, you're a piece of renaissance to my dark age. A ray of sunshine when it gets too cloudy till I can't see myself. I'm more than thankful and I can't thank you enough.

Maybe we're destined to bump into each other to learn what's better and what's worse.

I'll try keeping the bright side of me, so no one needs to regret anything when they look at me.

Maybe I'm a tough cookie. It's tough, but still a cookie anyway. Once you chew, it breaks anyway. But still, there's the word 'tough' up there. I can only hope that I'm strong enough till one day, maybe, I'll look back and leave sad things behind. I'll try to convince myself in that.

WUDDAHELL I CAN'T CRY MY EYES OFF MY FACE IF I MY EYES WENT OFF WHERE COULD I DRAW EYELINERS *trying to make you laugh by acting so full of myself*

This doesn't make sense, does it?

Maybe.